The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
