I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
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