when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
