my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
