Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
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