Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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