i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
