I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
farters have to be the big spoon...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
We're too hungover to prance.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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