just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize