Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
