Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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