Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
