I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
