I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
