I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
