I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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