So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
