While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
