I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
