Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
