I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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