1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
