This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
