I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I think my vagina is haunted
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
