Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
