What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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