He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
