I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
