Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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