I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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