I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
