Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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