Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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