It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
