It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
