Dude my mom stole all your condoms
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
