I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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