I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize