I just saw a hot homeless man
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
