I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
