How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
