oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
