Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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