i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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