Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
