I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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