My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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