Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
