No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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