the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
