dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
