Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize