turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
