Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
