I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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