I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
