3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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